We Keep Telling Him - “You've got to be organized. You've got to be organized!”
Fifth grader, Matthew, is making his family crazy. The nightly ritual of "What do you have for homework?" "Did you hand in your work?" "When are you going to get started on your homework," is taking its toll on the family. Matthew's mother is particularly frazzled. With Matthew being the oldest of three children, he is putting tremendous strain on her.
Not only does Matthew have a problem handing in his home work, and writing down his assignments, once Matthew gets started, it takes him incredibly long to finish.
The other night, for example, it took Matthew between three and four hours to complete his homework which turned into becoming an agonizing ordeal. Over the four hours, he dawdled and got very little completed. There was much yelling back and forth. The temperature of the household was running very high!
Matthew’s parents say they keep telling him, "You've got to get organized. You've got to get organized." That's like telling somebody with a very bad leg, "You've got to run harder. You've got to run harder."
Matthew simply doesn't have it in him to get organized. His psychological testing and history revealed he has significant organizational deficits. Telling him over and over to do so (get organized) will not make it happen.
Providing Matthew with a certain degree of structure is something that must be considered. Without structure, Matthew will plummet like a stone. The art of parental involvement, though, is very tricky and parents can clearly overdo it.
There will be much more to come in future blog posts on the art and science of helping kids stay on track.
Tags: Learning disabilities, organizational problems, executive function deficits, ADHD
Comments
7th Grade, Big Gulp!
My son is just like Matthew. He has seen a doctor who said he is ADHD. We tried many different prescriptions, but we didn't like the many side effects and we felt like he was not our happy son, so we decided against them. Homework is a huge task and takes forever when we finally get started. I'm continually asking him to put down whatever he has picked up (i.e. a piece of paper he folds over and over, or a paper clip to play with, or poking the eraser with his pencil), focus, and start working. His spelling is terrible and he doesn't like to write. His penmanship is terrible and his comments are, "What should I write", "I don't know what to write", or "I can't do it". He tells me on a daily basis that school is too hard. I'm very nervous for his future. I sit and help him with his homework, until it's finish. However, the higher the grade, the harder the work is becoming, so I can only imagine what he will be going though in a couple of years or high school. I can only pray that he finishes high school. I don't even expect him to attend college, unless something changes. It seems in todays world, you need a good education to be sucessful. I so much look forward to the summer when he can just enjoy being a kid (not to mention, the break for me as well). However, I then start to stress because I think of the things we should be doing for him before school starts again. I have purchased the book "The Shut Down Learner", I have not finished the book, but one thing I've learned so far is to have a better understanding of what my son must be going through. Believe it or not, that has helped in staying calm during homework sessions.
Boy, can I relate!
It is like you were writing about my son, Jacob who has ADD and is a 6th grader. I also so look forward to summer when he can be stress free and enjoy LIFE! I know that teachers and people outside our family just don't get it- the struggle it is. Some days I just feel like giving up hope. I can get so anxious and depressed thinking of what the future holds for him and us. I also want to see him get through the years ahead intact and graduate. We can't medicate becuase his anxiety makes the side effects awful to deal with and he is a small kid to begin with. I also feel the whole summer that I should be doing more and stress about that! He really tries hard, but struggles with organization and ALL academic areas and doesn't have close friends at school. He hates school and always says it's too hard, which of course it is more difficult each year. My greatest fear is that he will just stop trying and caring eventually. Stressed out mom :(
Staying calm..
Jeannie:
Staying calm really helps. These issuse are extremely challenging and there are no easy solutions. It's often the getting started (initiating) that's an issue. Cue him in try and try and provide a degree of structure. Think of him as lost in the woods. You need to try and orient him - not an easy feat.
You may want to also pick up the book "Late, Lost & Unprepared." It's mentioned in the newer edition of the Shut Down Learner.
Best,
DrSelz
what about mom...unorganized
ok i feel like matthew!
Matthew’s parents say they keep telling him, "You've got to get organized. You've got to get organized." That's like telling somebody with a very bad leg, "You've got to run harder. You've got to run harder."
Matthew simply doesn't have it in him to get organized.
although i don't believe i have adhd..at least online tests don't tell me so but i have some sort of lack of focus. i desire to get organized but can't seem to get it done!
Understood...
Often disorganized kids come from parents who struggle with the same. I know I fight a battle all the time with organization. I think it comes naturally to a significant segment of the population, but the rest of us are always battling the chaos! You don't need to be "classified" to know that it is an issue. Seeking an organizational skills coach can be helpful,
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