Opposite/Difficult Children Part III: “I’ll BE GOOD!!!! I PROMISE!”...(Forget about it)

We have been discussing the theme of difficult (opposite) children and how they can cause families to feel like they are being held hostage by their child's challenging behaviors. 

In the last post, I suggested that parents were often not to blame for creating their child's behavior, since in most families one or two of the children are typically flexible, while one is more challenging. However, I also noted that the intervention to address the difficult child was to be focused on the parent, not on the child.

Why is this so?

The parent is the point of intervention because the parent has a repertoire of skills that are not available to the child. Even through the teenage years, difficult children have a tough time adopting another person’s point of view.   Adults have the luxury of maturity. They can look at a situation, think it through and apply wisdom. Wisdom helps with children, probably more than most parenting books suggest.

With a difficult, opposite child, rapid emotional reactions (yelling) are not helpful.  Instead, think strategically on the front end of a situation.  How would you like it to go?   Let the child know and approach the child in more matter-of-fact tones. 

One story will illustrate what I mean.

Marissa, the opposite child under discussion, was always very difficult in stores.   Tending to run ahead in the store, she ignored her mother’s insecure sounding pleas to listen.  Going to the store would usually end up in a tense scene, typically with mom seething in the car white knuckled, yelling at Marissa.

This time, mom decided to act in a more matter-of- fact, objective tone with Marissa, telling her exactly how things were going to go. 

Before going to the store, mom sat Marissa down and spoke with her.   "The last time we went to Target it was not fun.  You were out of control. I got very upset. It will not happen this way is time,” said Marissa’s mother.  “If you ignore me and run ahead, regardless of where we are in the store, we will leave the store immediately and go home, even if we are at the check-out line.  I won't yell at you, but when we get home there will be no TV, no computer or any other fun games.  Nothing. It will be boring and quiet until bedtime."

Mom asked Marissa what she understood. Marissa was able to state back what she was told.

The key in this situation is for the mom to keep her cool in the store and really follow through. If Marissa misbehaves, that’s fine.  It’s a great teachable moment.  Even if Marissa is sobbing and pleading, “I’LL BE GOOD!!  I PROMISE,”  she should be ignored and calmly taken home. 

Don’t yell. Don’t lecture. Don’t badger.  Be firm, clear and decisive.

Once home pull back a bit – chilly anger is very powerful, much more so than hot anger. At some point you might say “Gee,I’m really sorry, but tonight is going to be very boring.” 

The next day, Marissa’s mom can try again.  She should ask Marissa, “What happened yesterday in Target?”  

When Marisa says, “We left Target because I ran ahead,“ she should confidently say,”correct!!”

“What will happen today in Target if you ignore me, ” Marissa’s mom should ask.

“We will leave Target.”

“Right!  We’ll leave and you’ll have another boring night.”

My money’s on Marissa listening a whole lot better this time.

Tags:  Difficult Children, Parenting,  Oppositional Behavior, Learning Disabilities