A Not So Bullying Story: “A Problem, Not a Catastrophe”
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Jennifer, the mom of 8 year old Ava, was beside herself. Ava came home from school crying, hysterically, that someone pushed her on line and her books fell to ground.
Well aware of the new bullying policy implemented in the school, Jennifer immediately emailed the principal demanding that the offending child be handled under the bullying law. Jennifer would be seeing the principal first thing in the morning. This was not going to be swept under the rug .
The problem is, Ava’s unfortunate experience while upsetting, was not the product of bullying.
Accepted definitions of bullying include:
Bullying involves a desire to hurt + hurtful action + a power imbalance + (typically) repetition + an unjust use of power + evident enjoyment by the aggressor and a sense of being oppressed on the part of the victim.
In Ava’s situation while it was a hurtful action, the event was the first time it happened. There were no signs of an ongoing power imbalance that put Ava in a position of feeling oppressed by an aggressor who delighted in her pain and embarrassment.
Years ago I had the pleasure of hearing Albert Ellis, the late, famous founder of Rational Emotive Therapy. In his New York City old, man cranky voice, he would remind people that most of their issues were “problems, not catastrophes,” illustrrating how damaging overstating problems were. Ellis might tell Jennifer “Look Jennifer, it’s a problem Ava got pushed, not a catastrophe. ”
If Jennifer treats the event like a catastrophe, then every inevitable slight or hurt felt by Ava will be responded to in kind.
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